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Perfectionism has been my life-long struggle. While I (and the people around me) have seen the beauty and charm of a perfect and errorless output, this perfectionist side of me also brought me ever-expanding anxiety.
Long story short, I kept no room for mistakes. Thus, when my plans reveal a tiny bit of error, you bet I wouldn’t want my name attached to it. It was difficult to deal with embarrassment. I can’t have my reputation be tarnished like that.
I was a notorious quitter.
Yet, as I entered the workforce, I understood how unproductive and unprogressive I was with my perfectionism — I abandoned projects, ran from people’s criticisms, and gave up opportunities for fear of embarrassing myself.
And so, in the previous years, I’ve worked so hard to overcome it. Really hard, to the point where fixing it has been my priority for quite a few years. No, not the career. Not my relationships. My main problem was myself. My character.
I started fixing myself.
It wasn’t an easy journey where I could just read a self-help book and poof, I got healed! Nope. It took me years to shake off this obsessive desire to perfect everything.
And if I’d be honest, I thought I was successful. I thought I got rid of it since my fear of making a mistake in front of people drastically toned down.
To kinda prove that, it didn’t even bother me when I emceed at a Grand Fellowship event at church (for the first time in my life!) and performed way below my ideal standards.
I was amazed at how I didn’t agonize or cringe. And I was happy that my perfectionist radar let that embarrassing moment go easily and accept that I can still improve.
The Perfectionism Kicked In Again
However, just yesterday, something happened that made my fear of mistakes crawl back to my nerves again.
While teaching in my class, the School President called me into the office. I thought I messed up the recent grading sheets, but it turns out he wanted to consult me with some technical questions.
It seems he’s trying to appease a parent’s concerns regarding field trips following the Thailand bus incident. He was asking me the technical reason why the bus door didn’t open when the CNG exploded and caused the fire. We were getting technical.
And boy, I wasn’t ready. I have never worked on buses, so I can’t give an immediate answer. To answer him, I had to seek information on the Internet and even “call a friend” – the principal – who was also a technical teacher.
Thankfully, the school president got the answer he wanted. But as someone who had her ignorance displayed first, I felt ashamed.
I tried to keep it cool and suppress my raging self-criticism. I left the office with a smile, but in my heart, my anxiety came peeking in. Like it’s saying, “Hello, old friend!” and a swirl of negative thoughts came running to me.
Thoughts like, “This isn’t a good job for me. I should quit,” or “My co-workers probably thought I’m stupid.”
Here I am again.
Agh, this has been a long war against my perfectionism, and I’ve even written a post about it. But now, I still admit that sometimes, I fall short and get swept up by my emotions.
Thankfully, I didn’t completely give in to my stress. I was reminded of these things:
If I don’t make it a big deal, I will forget it sooner or later.
Truth is, we have the power to decide whether something in our life is a big deal or just a tiny speck. And the secret sauce on whether it’s a huge or small thing? Our emotions.
Our memories are attached to the experience and how much emotion we spent there. The big deals in my life are those that stirred, touched, or enraged my feelings. That’s probably because I’m an empath, too.
I vividly remember our Christmas caroling nights in high school with our guitars. Those moments are wrapped up in feelings of joy. Precious memories!
In the same way, as I revisit the comments of the school president when I can’t answer the question, my mind lingers on being haunted, which makes it a big deal to me.
But as mentioned, our emotions dictate whether a memory is a huge or a speck in our life.
As I refuse to make it a big deal, I know I will forget this incident in the next months or years.
This has been my years-long training against shame and embarrassment — don’t fuel much emotions on these negative feelings.
Seek improvement; do not give up.
Deep down, in the absence of my dramatic emotions, I know there are far greater rewards if I continue rather than if I quit.
Really, there’s no downside to my job (except that I’m not really fond of my subject.)
I’ve got supportive teachers to talk to, and the school president is kind (despite how his question pierced my insecurity). It’s a part-time gig that helps me financially as I prepare for my licensure exam.
This is a reminder to not give up at that one bang of error or failure. We’ll never deepen our knowledge and skill if we obsess over perfection and throw failures and lessons out of the bus.
If I want to be of use to God, I have to stay in the battle.
Just this morning, while I was out jogging, a realization hit me: God didn’t call us to be worriers—He called us to be warriors.
I’ll admit, after my perfectionism flared up recently, all I wanted to do was retreat into my shell. I wanted to quit!
However, that decision will contradict all my prayers.
I asked God to use me for his glory, right? But why am I quitting now just because of this ridiculous ego?
This world is messy, chaotic, and full of confusion. And if God’s people don’t position themselves on the battlefield — say in the industry, education, workforce, or contribute to improving their neighborhood or family — this world will soon turn from bad to worse.
If we take ourselves out because of the “shame” and “fear,” the enemy can easily take over. They don’t even need to lift a finger.
How can we propagate the good, when God’s people are scared themselves?
With that, I’ve regained a renewed strength. That I’m not called to be comfortable and inside my shell but to be outside and position myself in the field.
That’s the realization I got this morning.
Conclusion
In conclusion, my journey with perfectionism has been a constant battle.
But over time, I’ve learned that perfectionism doesn’t have to define me or control my actions. I’ve realized that mistakes aren’t the end of the world.
My perfectionist tendencies may never entirely disappear, but with God’s guidance, I’m learning to let go, embrace imperfection, and trust that I’m exactly where I need to be on this growth and faith journey.
Have a blessed day. Thanks for reading!
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