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I thought I’m just a peace-revering fella who’s conflict-averse. I was kind, empathetic, and dislike confrontations.
But if ever there’s a conflict, my immediate response was silence and a kinda melodramatic walk out!
However, it’s only recently, when I met my partner — someone with anxious attachment style — did I realize how much of an avoidant I was, not only in relationships, but also friendships and with the people in my career.
We’ve circled in the dangerous zone of an anxious-avoidant cycle.
But thanks to this stumbling block, we started to actively sought healing from our childhood traumas to make our relationship work.
See, knowing you have avoidant attachment is important, but taking action to heal is another thing. One action I took is through consistent journalling and self-reflection.
Let’s self-reflect with the avoidant attachment journal prompts listed below.
First, What is Avoidant Attachment Style?
Long story short, people with this attachment style tend to have a hard time forming close, intimate bonds with others.
Yes, there are a few chosen ones who can get through their high-rise walls, but often, it takes a long time for the trust to be established.
Avoidant people cling to their independence. They’re emotionally distant, private, and unexpressive with their thoughts.
They don’t like showing vulnerability, and if they did, it would linger in their heads for a long while, and might even regret sharing their true emotions.
In some instances, they may look calm and unaffected on the outside, but deep down, they’re hurting, and the immediate response is to run away from whatever or whoever’s causing them pain.
Truth be told, this kind of attachment style doesn’t happen overnight. There’s a great chance it may be rooted in our childhood traumas.
For me, I could now evaluate that what caused my strong chase for autonomy and privacy is the unsupported people who always tried to antagonize my plans.
When I was young, I was not encouraged to express my self. For some reason, I always get turned down, even if I thought I was doing something fruitful.
I’ve been told “NO” hundreds of times by my parents, and so it became ingrained with me – never show your real emotions and thoughts.
As what the popular meme today says: “Never let them know your next move.”
I’ve practiced this almost all my life.
Truly, if our parents or caregivers were emotionally unavailable, dismissive, or unresponsive to our needs as a child, then we start to self-soothe and not depend on others for comfort.
And when people forcefully confront us to make us talk, we retaliate with anger and MADNESS if they don’t leave us alone. I did.
But thankfully, an attachment style is a behavioral pattern we’ve established over the years, and I truly believe we can unlearn this.
Signs You Have Avoidant Attachment Style
- You value independence and personal space over close relationships
- You’re self-sufficient and have a hard time asking for help
- Sharing your feelings and vulnerabilities scares you, so you express nothing, even with your close friends
- When someone’s getting close, you immediately think they’re gonna harm or take advantage of you in some way
- You don’t want people asking too much about you
- You easily feel suffocated when people get close to you
- Your autonomy is easily threatened, so you avoid people who make you feel that way
- Showing emotions, for you, is a sign of weakness and is embarrassing.
- You become emotionally unavailable when faced with conflicts or strong emotions
- You’re too sensitive to criticisms
- Disappearing before or as soon as arguments arise
- Possibly blocking people online or in real life, even if they just want to check in on you.
47 Avoidant Attachment Journal Prompts (For Healing and Understanding)
Now, want a guide to better self-reflect on your avoidant attachment style? Grab your pen and paper. Here are 47 journal prompts for you to ponder:
- When you meet people, do you always see the positives or the negatives?
- How do you respond in embarrassing situations?
- What do you thank your parents/ caregivers for?
- Where do you think your parents/ caregivers lacked in raising you? This may have caused trauma on your part, but would you forgive them?
- When was the last time you asked for help?
- If you know a person can help you solve your problem, would you ask them? Why or why not?
- How do you handle conflicts? Why do you handle it that way?
- Did you ever feel suffocated by rules or unsupported as a child? Do you think this affected who you are today?
- What would you wish people to know about you when you’re in a conflict?
- List down 3 pros and cons of conflicts. How does these project in your life?
- What situations trigger your desire to withdraw?
- How did your parents/ caregivers respond to your needs as a child?
- How do you typically react when you feel someone is getting too close?
- How has your avoidant attachment affected past relationships?
- In what ways is being avoidant helped or hindered your personal growth?
- What do you think is wrong with being vulnerable? Can there be any benefits to showing vulnerability?
- How do you handle negative feelings like sadness, anger, or fear?
- What does intimacy mean to you?
- What fears or concerns do you have about getting close to others?
- What qualities do you bring to your relationships? Are you fulfilling your ideal view of relationships?
- What steps can you take to become more open and connected with others?
- How does your partner react whenever your avoidant attachment is triggered?
- During a conflict, write a letter to your partner explaining what you feel like.
- So far, what small victories have you achieved in your healing journey? List them down.
- Can you describe a secure relationship?
- How did you feel after confronting a conflict?
- What are the common thoughts or self-talk you have about yourself in relationships?
- Do you feel happy or threatened when someone tries to get close to you? Why do you feel that way?
- What boundaries do you set with others, and why?
- Do you think you’ve built enough or too many walls around yourself?
- How do people approach you? Are they cautious or carefree? Which approach do you like better?
- How do you typically communicate your needs and feelings? To your family, friends, and partner?
- Was there a time when people understood your feelings? Was it a good or bad experience?
- Do you feel people would always antagonize you if you open up? Was there a time that they didn’t?
- Does silence after a conflict caused you peace or anxiety? Did it bring solitude or resentment?
- What past relationship experiences have left a significant impact on you?
- How would you see yourself in the eyes of other people?
- How can you forgive yourself and others for the hurts and disappointments? What are your steps?
- Do you believe you are deserving of love and affection? Why or why not?
- How do you feel when others express strong emotions around you?
- Would you celebrate your wins with other people? Why or why not?
- If you ever choose to celebrate your wins with other people, how would it go?
- Have you ever been verbally abusive when people try to reach out to you? Why did the situation end up that way? What triggered you?
- How do you feel about being honest with your feelings?
- Do you care about people’s feelings more than yours, or is it vice versa?
- What do you think about asking and sending help to others?
- How often do you feel people taking advantage of you?
Here are 47 journal prompts you could start asking yourself.
I hope that as you write your honest thoughts, you will gain more insights and realizations with how you interact with the world, and how the world interacts with you.
That’s it. Take care! God bless!
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